Got English?

Just when I thought I had my bad-grammar obsession under control I started hearing the following ad on the radio:

Are you one of the 43 million plus Americans who don’t have health care insurance? Then call 123 Healthcare, where getting affordable benefits are as easy as 123. (The emphases are mine.)

When I hear (or read) something such as this it depresses me. Who wrote this and, worse yet, who edited it and approved it and how can they hear it aired day after day and not run screaming into their boss’s office and yell, “Please stop that ad! I made a terrible mistake! Someone who really cares about our language may hear it and do something drastic and I would never be able to forgive myself!”? I am not going to elaborate on what is wrong with this excerpt - either you will notice it (with or without my hints) right away or not. If not, then stop now and go back to your People magazine.

The previous example is just bad grammar, but then there’s this -

Compare Transam to any company out there and they just don’t stack up.

This is an ad promoting a company called Transam. Hard to tell, isn’t it? This excerpt is grammatically correct but demonstrates faulty syntax which is really a sign of faulty logic. No one at Transam seems to care, though.

Here’s another that just irritates the hell out of me. No grammar or syntax problems but, still, it is just wrong.

Do you know the difference between the millions of millionaires in America and you? They decided they wanted to be millionaires and so they went out and did it.

Did they go out and want to be millionaires? Where did they go to do it? Can I want to be a millionaire and just stay home and do it?

Then there’s this exciting statement by Billy Ray Cyrus promoting some new Nashville talent show -

I hold in my hand the next Nashville star!

Big hands, huh? One of the contestants has this to say about her experience -

Just every week you have to bring it.

Huh?

And, finally, a proud husband has this to say about his wife who has been using a new face cream -

I looked at her and I was just wow!

Well, he may have been just wow but I am just disgusted and depressed.

‘Bye.

I think my grammar posts must have turned a lot of people off so I will cease and desist from posting to that topic for now. I was really just trying to be helpful although, granted, I am sometimes guilty of projecting a rather sarcastic/sanctimonious tone. In other words, I sometimes tend to be a smart-ass.

Sorry.

This announcement was posted in a local restaurant:

Due to the high velocity of returned checks, we can now only accept cash or credit/debit cards. Thanks.

I just wonder if anyone has been injured.

Todd Davis, CEO of a company called LifeLock, made this announcement on the radio the other day:

“You are 25 times more likely to have your identity stolen than the car you are driving.”

Thank goodness. I’m not really too concerned about my identity, but I worry fretfully over that of my car. Thank you, Todd.

In this post I will discuss the Number One grammatical mistake that I hear and read these days. This mistake is made by nearly EVERYONE including respected journalists and reporters, writers, teachers, news-show anchor people, business leaders and politicians. The mistake involves the incorrect use of the pronouns I and me. I guess a lot of people have learned (incorrectly) that the pronoun I is more proper than the pronoun me. In an attempt to be proper, then, most people use I even when it is improper to do so. When people do this I want to slap them.

For example: “John reported to Mary and I that the price of eggs had gone up.” Wrong. Leave Mary out of it. Would you say “John reported to I that the price of eggs had gone up?” Well, you might, but you would deserve a slap if you did.

It’s simple: use I if it is or refers to the subject of the sentence; use me if it is the object of the sentence or the object of a preposition. The mistake usually occurs when there is another pronoun involved as in the example above. The easy fix is to test by leaving out the extra pronoun and see if it makes sense. “John reported to me (leaving out Mary) that the price of eggs had gone up.” This will almost always work.

Incorrect - “They sent Charlie and I an invitation.” They sent I an invitation? To what, a meeting of the grammatically impaired?

Correct - “They sent Charlie and me an invitation.” Use me because it is the object of the verb sent.

Incorrect - “Jim and me went to the store.” Huh? Me went to the store? Not even where I come from. Here you need the subjective (or nominative) pronoun I.

Correct - “Jim and I went to the store. I is the subject in this case so use the subjective pronoun I.

After all prepositions such as about, between, of, on, at, etc. use the objective pronoun me, never I.

Incorrect - “The story was about the King and I.” In this case the pronoun is the object of the preposition about. Test it. Leave the King out of it. “The story was about I.” Slap.

Correct - “The story was about the King and me.” Ahhh.

Incorrect - “The contest wound up being between John and I.” This one is just a little harder to test for but all you have to remember is that after between always use the objective pronoun me; or, substitute about for between and test it. Would you say “The contest was about I?” Not even where you come from.

Correct - “The contest wound up being between John and me.”

Summary

Don’t be afraid to use me.

Use I if it is or refers to the subject of the sentence.

Use me if it is a direct or indirect object or the object of a preposition.

Stop and think before you speak or write. Test to see if it sounds right using the methods mentioned above.

If someone near you uses I when they should have used me, slap them; then apologize and politely refer them to this post.

Punctuation can be tricky. There are not always hard and fast rules on all points. Sometimes the application and/or use of punctuation marks is pretty much left to the discretion of the writer. The main thing to keep in mind is that the purpose of punctuation marks is to guide the reader so that she fully understands what it is you are trying to say; just be consistent in your usage in parallel situations. The problem is, that although we are given some latitude in our use of punctuation, out-and-out misuse and abuse can confuse some readers and deeply disturb others ( myself included). This is not intended to be an exhaustive discussion of all rules: I will just be discussing the points where I have noticed the most problems. That said, let’s begin.

Period [.]

A period is used -

• at the end of a complete sentence or statement,
• after most abbreviations,
• but not after US Postal Service state abbreviations.

Exclamation Point [!]

An exclamation point is used -

• after a sentence, phrase, clause or word that expresses surprise or strong emotion and (in my opinion) should be used sparingly.

Comma [,]

Ah, yes, the simple, lowly comma. Such an easy mark to make - just a little flick of the wrist - but what confusion (and aggravation) it can create when misused or over-used. Consider these two examples (taken from Lynne Truss’s book Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation):

1. “Verily, I say unto thee, This day thou shalt be with me in paradise.” (He goes to heaven today.)
   “Verily I say unto thee this day, Thou shalt be with me in paradise.” (He goes to heaven but not necessarily today. Maybe after some time in Purgatory or something.)
2. The convict said the judge is mad.
   The convict, said the judge, is mad.

A comma is used -

• to separate independent clauses (an independent clause is simply a group of words that can stand alone as a sentence) that are joined by coordinating conjunctions such as and, but, yet, for and so. For example - “I went to the store, but my wife went home.” The comma separates the two clauses and comes before the conjunction but. The common mistake here is a construction such as this: “I went to the store, my wife went home.” This is bad. Don’t do it. If you leave out the conjunction, use a semicolon as in “I went to the store; my wife went home.” The semicolon replaces the comma and the conjunction. The key here is NEVER (at least not until you become a highly respected writer) use a comma by itself to join two sentences.
• to separate three or more items in a list as in “While I was at the store I bought three apples, two oranges, six bananas and a loaf of bread.” (The comma after the last item in a list is optional [as you can see, I've left mine out]), but be consistent in whatever style you choose.

That’s not nearly all there is to commas, but that’s enough for now. My opinion on commas is that less is plenty enough. If you are willing, just observe these two rules and leave all other commas out of your writing for now, at least as you are writing. Go back later and insert them only as necessary for clarity.

Apostrophe [']

Apostrophes are used -

• to form contractions. It is = it’s; they are = they’re; you are = you’re, and so on.
• along with an s to indicate possession (Mike’s car, Sally’s book, the cat’s bird, and so on). Exceptions to this are, obviously, my, mine; his; her/hers; their, theirs; your, yours; our/ours and its.
• at the end of plural words that end in s to form the possessive (the cats’ bird).
• with an s to make letters and numbers plural (A’s, 8’s, etc.).

Do not use

1. it’s as a possessive. Remember, it’s = it is; its (without the apostrophe) is the possessive form.
2. you’re as a possessive. You’re is the contraction you + are. Your/yours is the possessive form.
3. they’re as a possessive. Remember, they’re is the contraction of they are. Use their/theirs as the possessive form.
4. who’s as a possessive. Whose is the possessive case.

Colon [:]

A colon indicates that what follows is an explanation or completes the idea of what has just been said. It can also be used to introduce a list. A complete sentence should precede the colon.

Examples -

1. This I believe: All men are created equal. (It is optional whether or not you begin the second clause with a capital.)
2. There are some things you will need to bring on the trip: a sleeping bag, comfortable shoes and a toilet kit. But not -
   You will need to bring: a sleeping bag, comfortable shoes and a toilet kit. (The first clause is not a complete sentence.)

Semicolon [;]

• A semicolon can be used in place of a comma + conjunction to join two independent clauses as in “I like cookies and milk for a bed-time snack; my wife prefers ice cream.”
• Semicolons are used to separate items in a list when those items contain internal punctuation as in “Some effective color combinations are red, green and blue; turquoise, ocher and avocado; and orange, black and yellow.”
• A semicolon should be used before a conjunctive adverb as in “Yesterday was the election; however, bad weather kept many folks at home.”

Quotation Marks [" "]

In standard American usage, ending punctuation marks should go inside the quotes.

Correct - “Please don’t forget the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

Incorrect - “Please don’t forget the difference between “its” and “it’s”.

Well, I think that is quite enough for today. More to come later as time permits. I hope some of this has been helpful. Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.

Resources

• Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss
• Random House Webster’s Pocket Grammar, Usage, and Punctuation
• The Elements of Style by William Strunk and E.B. White

There are some these days who will say that there is no such thing as bad grammar. They will argue that the rules are archaic and not applicable to today’s writing styles. They will say that writers can make their own rules as they go. I disagree. Granted, maybe “bad” is too harsh a word for some, so let’s just say that, yes, there is such a thing as “incorrect” grammar. Just as a computer program will not function if it is not written correctly (proper syntax, punctuation, vocabulary, etc.) neither will a written piece “compute” if not written with respect to certain rules.

There are many “writers” (excuse my quotes) publishing on the Internet these days. This new medium has made it easy for anyone to publish their work. The sad thing is, it is rare to read an article or post that is not littered with grammatical errors. I may be obsessive, but when I come upon obvious errors in basic grammar, punctuation, style and/or syntax I lose all confidence in the writer. I am no longer interested in what he/she has to say. They have lost my trust.

In my mind, to be called a Writer is an honor and is something to be earned. It means you have studied and learned the basic fundamentals of the craft and have used that knowledge and experience to produce something worthy of note. Just as a carpenter could not build a house without the necessary tools, knowledge and experience, one cannot write without a knowledge and understanding of the tools of our trade: namely grammar, punctuation, syntax and style. Would a musician get up to perform without having first mastered at least the basic technical skills required of his instrument? Maybe, but I doubt if he would be very well received. How long would a basketball player survive on the court without a grounding in the fundamentals of his sport?

It’s too easy now to publish on the Internet and call ourselves “writers.” Putting words on paper (or on the screen, as the case may be) is not enough. We should respect the craft and care enough about our readers and ourselves to build our work carefully, artfully and in observance of the rules. How we write it is just as important as what we write. If you’re not sure of something, look it up. There are basic tools that can help: a dictionary, a grammar reference and a good style book are essential. And read. A good writer is first and foremost a voracious reader. Read the great writers that have come before us and learn from them.

The most common errors I find are problems with punctuation (especially misuse and overuse of commas and incorrect punctuation within quotes), problems with pronouns, contractions and possessives (its, it’s; your, you’re; their, there, etc.) and mistakes in basic syntax and subject-verb agreement. As I mentioned before, there are many references and resources out there for writers: study them and learn from them.

I will try (as time permits) to post some more articles on writing and grammar which will cover more specifically some of the common problems and ways to fix and avoid them.

I will stop now. I hope no one will be offended (though I know some will) by what I have written here. I love to read a well-written piece. To me that means one that is intriguing and free from grammatical errors. And, yes, it offends me when someone calls himself a writer but demonstrates no knowledge or respect for the fundamentals of the craft. Respect the craft. Learn the craft. Let’s earn the right to call ourselves writers.